Thursday, January 19, 2012

Sick and blah and cough and sleeeeeeeeeeeep

Coughing fits until my eyes water and breathing like a creeper through my mouth because my nose is stuffed. Not how I wanted to spend my evening, really.

Amidst my pain and suffering I watched The Great Dictator, the 1940's movie staring Charlie Chaplin (and probably written by, directed by, produced by, etc.The man is a genius. A mad, workaholic genius.) I wouldn't say it's my favorite movie of his, but I will say the last five minutes, his infamous speech, is probably one of the most influential scenes I have ever seen in the cinamatic world. Brilliant. Moving. Inspiring. This is a link I found to a youtube video, where someone took his speech and synched it with the theme music from the movie Inception. It somehow made it even more powerful and moving:


I just downed some Nyquil because this heavy breathing through my mouth is irritating and I'd rather be unconscious. This may be the lamest blog post ever but I figured I'd atleast imprint a Chaplin video into my whole blogworld. You can bet your bottom dollar it will not be the last. I'm in love with that man.

Goodnight blog stalkers.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Music is awesome and yay.

I've been sitting for an hour
songs taking me from this moment
with their moment-taking power
I need this, I need an escape
something to hide in
something to hold onto
A reassurance
A reminder
that who I am is just who I am today
and tomorrow I could be someone else
Like I was someone else
when I first heard this song
I close my eyes
I sing along
the moment fades
and I am gone

The Tramp

Has a spring
in his step
carries a bowler
and cane
Has nothing
to lose
Only romance
to gain
He's hopeful
and happy
But if things
go disarray
He twirls
his cane
and tips
his hat
and continues on
his lonely way

Thoughts about stuff and things and life and why aren't more people like Charlie Chaplin?

I hate that we as people have watered down our morals, our values, and upgraded our self-appreciation and narcissism. The majority of us have fallen into the deep abyss of selfishness and greed, where it is so dark and blinding that any rays of light reflecting humility and generosity are foreign and ignored. We over appreciate ourselves, no longer putting others before ourselves.

We throw our money away on cosmetics and unnecessary technology because our roaring self-loathing can only be quieted by indulging. We complain we have no money because we spend it all when we're unhappy, and we're ALWAYS UNHAPPY.

We are WEAK, easliy impressed by the new and improved, regrettably losing our happiness in our longing, remaining masochistic and bitter. Bored with what we have. Constantly in the mindset that there's someTHING better out there. SomeONE better out there.

We are in PAIN, and like drug addicts we cling to vices and conclude we can't function without them. We can't be cordial without caffiene.

We are so SELF INVOLVED, rarely listening to what someone else is saying, but merely scanning their words for some common interest so we can turn the conversation onto ourselves.

We are too SERIOUS, worrying and stressing and struggling and forgetting how to appreciate small things. We have turned into bitter, self righteous, self-depreciating, hollow drones of ourselves.

Dealing with the public is daunting and exhausting. There is no more holding open of doors, or tipping the brim of hats and smiling at someone when they pass by. There is not nearly enough sacrifice for love that poets and dreamers desperately desire to think and write about. There isn't nearly enough LOVE, period.

We're all drawn to good versus evil stories, and root for the hero and hope evil loses. How then can we hold a mirror to ourselves and not see the villian staring back?

Life would be so much better without the unnecessary hate, jealousy and stress. We need to stop comparing ourselves to other people. We need to stop longing for what we can't have, and really appreciate what we have now. This world is going to burn in the fires of greed and hatrd, and only the ashes will remain of a cruel life choked of all it is composed of, of it's very title, LIFE ITSELF.


A letter in my hand
thoughts from me to you
some words inside are blurry
because that's what tears can do
the letter is held like wings of butterflies
delicate and gently between trembling fingers
pain's flame burning a hole in my heart
inside the letter's folds the fire also lingers
"I want what's best for you," it says
"and that means not being with me."
Under weights of all my sorrow
I give you freedom masochistically

Short story thing more vampires yay vampires wheeeee

The moon stared down at me like a wide, white eye. The night was calm, a sort of chilling quiet that made you tense in anticipation for something to break the silence. It was the reason I waited. It was the reason my vibrant grey eyes darted rapidly at my surroundings.
      I was waiting for the silence to be broken.
The cool wind brushed my already cold skin so there was no need to suppress a shudder, though any human in my situation would have tried. I sniffed the air. It smelled of fall. Somewhere in the distant, an owl hooted. My stomach groaned at the sound and I started to imagine what I would do if my and the animal's paths happened to cross...
        "You shouldn't be so close to town when you're hungry."
I cocked my head to one side to show I had heard the voice, but I didn't turn. I didn't have to, I knew who it was. The owner of the voice then chuckled. It was a dark sound.
      "Isn't that why you're here?" I asked, my voice steady. I wondered if he could sense the mixture of fascination and revolution I felt for him, the emotions wrestling and battling under my pale surface.
     "Why are you here?" He asked the question in an airy tone, the way someone might as for the punch line to a joke they already know.
I shrugged. "Just looking," I replied, glancing at the town's houses. Though his face was cloaked in shadows, I turned and stared where his eyes would have peered.
     "But not touching?" His voice was playful and coy. It made me feel like smiling. I didn't smile.
      "You're here to stop me."
I paused a moment, and then answered, "yes."
     Another dark chuckle, and then he emerged from the darkness.
He was a memory straight from my dream. Perfect, angled face. Light grey eyes, the color of an angry sky before a storm. He looked like he was watching fireworks explode, his expression a sort of amused and giddy fascination. I stared, tense.
      "A myriad of thoughts cloud your mind," he began, his voice soft and inquisitive. "I see them all, swimming like sharks in that pretty head of yours. They rip and claw at your morale, so you stand before me torn and withering." He was a foot away from me now. "Indecision and confusion hold you together, so of course you're falling apart."
     "I don't know what you're talking about."
He smiled, and gleaming white fangs stared back at me.
      "You're a pendulum, swinging back and forth between what you think is right and wrong. You're stalling, not sure which one to lean toward. I can help. I know what you need. "
      "And what do I need?" I asked, my voice edgy.
His smile widened. "A little...push."
      The next thing I knew, I was sailing through the air by the force of his shove. Pain throbbed in my chest where his hands had hit. My shoulder hit the pavement, and the ground cracked under me.
      "Guess you made my mind up for me," I said, rising to my feet instantly like I had been pulled up by invisible strings. I crouched and balled my hands into fists in front of me. He ran toward me and jumped unnaturally high. I ducked out of the way, but once his feet hit the ground he side kicked me and hit me in the stomach. I curled involuntarily, but straightened to block his incoming punch. I grabbed his arm and punched his cheek. His head swung with the blow but shot back immediately. I expected to see a glare, but instead he was smiling.
    "That's it," he said, his eyes shining in the surrounding night. "Hit me."
So I did. I punched his face, I kicked his chest, and with a yell I shoved him into a tree. His body hit the trunk with a loud crack. I stood, waiting for retaliation.
    "You're good," he commented.
     "You're evil," I replied.
    "How do you feel?" he asked, smiling.
I concentrated on the adrenaline rush, the surge of power like electric currents under my skin.
     "I feel alive," I breathed.
     "You're better than alive," he stated. "You're dead, my dear."


When the sky turned gray and the lightning lit up the sky, you grabbed my hand with such force I wondered if you thought doing so would make what was about to happen stop. When I returned your robust grip, through tear filled eyes I saw it was clear you thought I shared the same hope. With a defeated cry you threw your arms around me, and as I slid mine around your shoulders I wished I looked stronger than I felt. As the rain began to fall I shut my eyes, but doing so didn't stop the tears from mixing with the rain and sprinkling on your chocolate brown hair.
         Another flash of lightning, brighter this time, and then a crack of thunder resounded like an ominous threat. The rain started to fall in showers. Your grip tightened, provoking mine to hold you closer. I heard your voice, but not your words over the roaring wind. I pulled away from you.
         "What'd you say?" I called over the howling wind as rain slapped my face. I touched your cheek and searched your eyes.
          "I hate this!" you screamed back. I felt my stomach tighten as you voiced that which I was feeling. Another flash of lightning came, brighter than the last, and then a louder crack of thunder. That was the third time. One more to go.
           "I'll find you!" I yelled angrily, though I wasn't angry at you. "I'll find you! I won't stop looking!"
You began to sob and threw your arms around me. I held onto you, feeling you shudder under the cold. Or maybe it was the anger that caused you to tremble. Or maybe I was the one shaking...
            A fourth blinding flash of lightning, like the sun had exploded, filled the sky. There was an uncomfortable sense of falling. And then there was silence. I opened my eyes...and you were gone.
             It was then I fell to my knees and cried.
It's now 2006, five years before our first meeting in Central Park. I can't go in there. I hate that I ended up back in the city, everything reminds me of you. It's a cruel joke, time traveling to the place we met years before we meet.
           I knew what I was getting into when I found out you could travel through time like me. We both knew it happened sporatically in bad weather. We both knew the traveling could bring us anywhere, anytime. I knew we'd be separated when it happened. You knew too, but we never discussed how much it could hurt. I don't think we fully understood how it could hurt until it happened. Until you disappeared and I fell to my knees and had no reason to get up.
          When the sun is high, and the sky is clear, I watch people stroll the city streets, laughing and enjoying the weather. It's then I wonder if I'm the only one who prays for lightning and thunder...

Tabula Rasa

Tabula Rasa
Let me get Lost
a chance to love, a chance to heal
to a place harboring black smoke
and a frozen donkey wheel
Let the only sounds I hear
be the crashing of the waves
I'll find water and shelter
in the Adam and Eve caves
I'll lie in the shadow of the statue
and find immortality in Jacob's touch
I'll get some coffee with Juliet
"Maybe we can go Dutch..."
Sawyer can give me a nickname
and I can help poor Jack "let go"
when I get scared, I'll count to five
Like Kate I'll count real slow
I'll look after baby Aaron
when Claire and Charlie want a date
I'll talk with Locke about destiny
and about wheelchairs, and about faith
Sun can teach me how to garden
and translate to Jin what I say
I'll talk cursed numbers with Hurley
and time travel with Faraday
Coinsidence or fate?
there's lives to live, and lives to lose
there's two sides: one is light and one is dark
and the Island will let me choose

Frozen Butterflies

Frozen Butterflies
their wings take no flight
I can't seem to feel them
without you in sight
Consumed with this nonsensical desire
In folly I feed an already quenched fire
The butterflies wings
I thought I felt them flutter
but you weren't in sight
"Only in my mind," did I mutter

Creature Insight.

"I can show you," the creature said
and closed it's yellow eyes
"I can show you where your lover is,
for I am very wise."
I stared in awe, in terror,
awaiting a reply
for my lover had been captured
by a wizard in diguise
this creature had befriended me
it knew of love and loss
it'd help me reach my lover
no matter what the cost
The creature stood before me
skin the texture of sand
the tans and browns and shades of green
reminded me of land
It's eyes were not round like saucers
there were sharp edges along the sides
And I wondered how it's tears fell
when it got sad and cried
"Where can I find him?" I asked,
anxious to be shown
for my lover must be frightened
being captive and alone
the creatures eyes then opened
and much to my surprise
it showed a sunset over the sea
within it's sharp-edged eye
"Your lover isn't far,
I will help you go
to where the sky meets the sea
and the magic winds blow."
I climbed upon the creatures back
and we sailed into the sky
I thanked the creature for it's help
and flew to save my lover's life

Fire and Ice.

The chill of his touch
the warmth of her skin
his love for blood
her love for him
she willfully submits
he willfully seizes
her soft touch warms
his strong hold freezes
his insides are burning
an all consuming fire
her shivers are uncontrolled
by his touch and her desire
He falls into bliss
his blood boils with heat
he turns her skin cold
and makes her heart cease to beat
Fire and ice combined
sprouting from a need
to give up her life
and allow him to feed

Vampire Kiss.

Vampire Kiss:

A painful sting
a crimson sight
resulting from
a loving bite
a throaty moan
a dire need
to love, to kill
to taste, to bleed


The shadow swirled around me
a mocking movement of smoke
the smoke filled my nostrils
causing me to choke.
Immediately it retreated
staring menacingly with no eyes
"All those who have come to destroy me
have met with me and died."
I heard it's words in my head
though smoke has not a voice
"You've captured someone that I love," I said
"You're leaving me no choice."
The smoke began to pulsate
I wondered if that was how it laughed
it glowed a vibrant red
and then it split in half
the left side projected an image
I saw the one I was destined to save
An intense feeling of longing
to me is what the vision gave
The right half's image was unsettling
it caused me to wince in pain
it was of my lover dying
and I weakly said his name
"Of the two visions before you,
which would you rather gain?
Your precious Love safe and happy,
or your lover in agony and pain?"
"What a stupid question to ask!" I screamed,
and turned my eyes away
"I love him more than life itself,
what do you think I'll say?"
The smoke fused back together
and it's voice seeped into my mind
"Love him more than life itself?
So it's life you'll leave behind?"
I stared with a perplexed expression
wondering what it's words could mean
but an answer to it's riddle
simple could not be seen.
"I told you everyone who has come
they've seen me and they've died.
It's not because I'm stronger then them,
they've willingly gave up their lives.
If you want your lover to be safe,
an exchange must be made.
Your life for his...
care to make the trade?"
"I want to save my lover's life," I said,
"and save his life I can.
But the only way that can be done,
is if I never see him again?"
Tears rained down my face,
in that moment I felt drained.
But I knew that moment was all I had left,
and in saddness I'd have nothing to gain.
I put a smile on my face
and thought of my lover safe and happy
with the smoke awaiting my decision,
I bravely whispered, "take me."

Distract Me.

Chase these feelings away
With talk of better days and happy thoughts
make me forget what made me feel this way
and all the sadness that it brought
Talk of battles won
and love unyielding, relentless
talk of anything...ANYTHING
just to make me forget this
talk of mysterious lands
and monsters made of smoke
talk of vampires, faeries and werewolves
and otherworldly folk
talk and talk
confuse my mind
make me think
I'm in another place and time

Blame it on the rain.

You ask what's wrong
I say it's the weather
"Maybe if it was sunny
I'd feel better."
Inside I scream otherwise
Saddness like poison through my veins
I can't tell you why I cry
so I blame it on the rain



Jack, poor Jack, got captured by the Others
On the bleachers, Desmond told him, "lift it up, brother."
Caught in a net with Kate, above the ground they did hover
Even though Kate chose Sawyer, Jack told her he loved her

Pushing buttons in the hatch, he's not a believer
Locked Ben in a room for being a deceiver
Gave Sawyer some meds to help with his fever
Went searching for the cockpit to retrieve the transceiver

"You don't have what it takes," his dad once said
Kate sowed up his wound with a needle and thread
Went to Australia to learn his father was dead
Saved Sarah from being cripple, and then they were wed

Survived a plane crash with no broken bones
Oceanic 815, he should have never had flown
The survivors hopes of rescue ultimately were blown
Jack's words of encouragement: "Live Together, Die Alone."

Dear YOU....

I started writing a letter today
Dear YOU, it began,
I paused for a moment. What should I say?

I wrote more of my letter before
Words of affection, like water they poured
In vain these words were, for you closed that door
But they are how I feel, of this I am sure

I re-read my letter in a moment to spare
It told of my love, of how much I care
It brought tears to my eyes, for you're unaware
You'll never know. This letter, I won't share

I finished writing my letter today
I sealed it and sighed, then put it away
I cannot show you, no how and no way
My feelings for you, MY feelings they'll stay

A man.

A man
A man who had everything
but still wanted more
decieved by a demon
involved in spiritual war
A man disobeyed
bringing sin into life
cast out of perfection
along with his wife
Trust was broken
death introduced
how could everything be right
with evil on the loose?
Without God, a man committed sin
with his wife he conceived
a race just like him
A race that was unholy
A race that couldn't escape
that which was inevitable
their sin-produced fate
What could be done
with God and man apart?
What could God do
to show the love in his heart?
A man came from heaven
A man crucified
taking the sins of the world
Nailed to a cross and died
Just as a man did wrong
and deemed us sinners in God's sight
A man, killed, broken and betrayed
Sacrified, to make things right

You're so pretty.

Designed carefully, brilliantly
in a sea of dim faces, yours radiates beauty
you conceal insight in soft, brown eyes
Breathtaking, unjust words cannot emphasize or describe

Bad Haircut?

Blood flowing from the wound
I wipe the water from my eyes
the pain eats away ad consumes
after inhaling, I let out a sigh

Everyday I say I'm tired of these feelings
and everyday these feelings take hold
Constantly thinking life has no meaning
so everyday I want to let go

Tired eyes can't close at night
lying down I stare outside and wait
for the darkness to fade and disappear
bringing forth another day to hate

Wounds close up but never heal
scars inside, tattooed, remind me
relentless pain, all I ever feel
my torment defining my identity

Nonverbally speaking...

The only words there spoken are with our

as the light of our conversation reflex the

Leave me alone, I'm festering in my own madness.

If I don't open up
I can't let anyone in
so I keep the door closed
leave people questioning
leave details of my life unexposed

You cannot imagine what I keep inside
the pain I just don't show
I said I was fine. Well, I lied.
I just didn't want you to know

Lydiana's Lament

Lydiana's Lament

You were my friend, my companion, my lover
Feelings for you squeeze my heart
Like a warm hand squeezes another
You're not easily forgotten
My heart is quick to remind
She you have loved shriveled in death
and became a monster you left behind
Shadows surround
painting the world gloom and grey
If only you'd resist
If only you'd stray
If love could spark
a light brighter than the sun
then good would joyously triumph
because evil would lose one
You left me to bleed
Broken, empty, hollow
You left me your dark trail
But I refuse to follow

Black and White

It happened quite suddenly
I had no time to prepare
one moment I was in my house
the next I was no longer there
The sight I saw was strange
like nothing I had seen
I wondered if I'd fallen asleep
I wondered if I entered a dream
This place was void of color
my surroundings black and white
No one seemed to notice though
they were used to this mundane sight
No one knew that leaves were green
or that the sky was occasionally blue
of the myriad of colors in a peaceful sunset
these people had not a clue
Everyone just seemed so sad
Or, atleast that's the feeling that I caught
because of the discontent in their faces,
happiness seemed a distant thought
I wanted to remember colors
so I thought of reds and greens
but after months in this colorless world
my memory became less keen
The colorless world became my home
and the sadness that I felt
seemed to rest inside my heart
like a block of ice that would not melt
I wondered if this was all to life
just blacks and whites and silvery grays
I looked to the ground in saddened thoughts
and something held my gaze
A flower had sprouted from the ground
appearing quicker than a wink
tears immediately filled my eyes
this flower was a vibrant shade of pink!
I pointed it out to others
but no one seemed to care
they just kept on walking
acting unaware
I bent down to touch it
to make sure it was real
It was soft and warm, nice and smooth
the way I thought pink should feel
I could have stared for hours
Why was no one elated like me?
Black and white was all they knew
they were oblivious to beauty
I brought it to my house
and put it in a vase
I wanted to keep it always
it put a smile on my face
The day went by so slowly
I constantly looked all around
I searched until the white sun was gone
but no new flowers grew from the ground
the moon shown in the darkness
everything looked even more washed out
Maybe it was a mistake the flower grew
Sadness returned, along with doubt
I sat alone in my yard
looking morosely toward the sky
I then gasped at what I saw
sparkling fireworks shooting high!
They exploded quiet soundlessly
as if the world had gone mute
"It's like the colors want to see the world,
the way they spread out when they shoot."
I turned to face the voice behind me
It belonged to a handsome, blue-eyed man
He had a warm, inviting smile
and the hair the color of sand
He seemed a dream, a memory
a sight I always knew
I smiled because he was in color
and his presence put me in color too
My skin was smooth and tan
no longer white like snow
his was the warmest beige
and even seemed to glow
The fireworks in front of us
fell to the earth like a colorful shower
but my eyes were set on this lovely man
"You're the one who grew the flower."
His eyes sparkled in the moonlight
and he gave an all-knowing smile
"You don't know how long i've waited.
it's been quite a while."
His voice was low and soft
Classical music to my ears
Everything about this man pleased me
I felt happy he was here
"Everyone who lives here
they're used to black and white
they never take the time
to see another sight.
It's your hope and longing
that made me grow the flower
the smile it put on your face
inspired the fireworks shower.
Your eyes shine like diamonds
over beauty I create
I've ached for appreciation
Years I've had to wait.
I've wanted someone to see
and feel happy by what they do
I'm glad you noticed the flower,
I'm really glad that person is you."
I smiled kindly at his words
we looked at each other in mutual mirth
then turned to face the soundless fireworks
and vibrant flowers grew from the earth.